Where was God when I needed him? Is God real? Why won’t God heal me? These are all questions I’m sure most of us have asked at one point or another.

I’ll address these questions. First, I’ll give you a real life account where I saw God heal with my own eyes.

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Hi, I’m Kerri. I am facing elective amputation due to a motorcycle wreck 9 years ago. Before I tell you my story of miraculous healing, I want to tell you an additional one of living a life of torture. Mental anguish. To the point of giving up. “Why won’t God heal me?”

A Life Of Torture. “Why wont God heal me?”

When my son was born in 2011, I had severe postpartum OCD. Although I didn’t realize what it was at the time. All I knew was that I heard voices. The next thing I knew, I was killing my son in my head! Who does that?? I DID!

It was excruciating living every moment of my life. I was being tortured by my own brain. I was not able to ask for help because I thought my son would be taken away from me.

For 4 long years, I fought every moment to stay sane. Even when I slept, I found no relief because I had extreme nightmares. I hated going to sleep, and I hated waking up.

Of course, I begged and cried, “Why won’t God heal me??!” Satan immediately told me it’s because God isn’t real. Therefore, He can’t protect my son from the things I see in my head.

Here is my full postpartum story

Why Did This Happen To Me? Why God didn’t heal me.

The only thing I could think of was that I was being poisoned. So, I changed my life’s approach to a holistic way of living—alternative medicine, ancient remedies, and keeping my body as toxic-free as I could. I still try to live this way as much as possible today, 5 years later.

In my quest, I found it was postpartum OCD and it is nearly impossible to find these moms because they will never admit it. So, here I am telling everyone I can get a hold of in the hopes that you will pass it on. Knowledge is key.

Now, He has given me a passion for the voiceless and the weak. He has lit a fire inside of my soul for the tortured and lost. If this is something I needed to endure to help the mothers in pain, I won’t think twice about it. God has put it in me to use my voice and find those who don’t know how to help themselves.

SO Many Mistakes!

Now that I was on a new holistic journey, I found essential oils! I was so excited to try them but had not had any instructions. I did not understand they are powerful medicine with real effects. No one told me to respect them and use them properly.

I dumped about 5 drops of peppermint in my cup of coffee! Wowzaa!

Then, I used 8 drops of oregano in our spaghetti sauce! Pizza night anyone?

Also, I put Thieves oil on my 2 yr old son. Thieves is a hot oil. So is oregano. In fact, many of them will burn your skin. It feels like scalding fire if you get it on a sensitive part like your lips or arm.

God is real!

My son had a sniffle one night. I had read previously how the Thieves helped people recover from illness, so I was excited to have something to help him. Nothing at the store was made for 2 years old and under. I guess they have to suffer through sickness.

Hear this, when you use hot oil, it is intended for the bottom of the feet with a carrier oil like EVOO. If you use water, it will drive it deeper, causing an exaggerated burning feeling. To dilute or calm the burning, always use a carrier oil. As I said, I did not know this.

I dumped about 8 drops of burning hot Thieves oil on my son’s belly, zipped up his pj’s, kissed him goodnight, and left the room, patting myself on the back. As you can imagine, the next thing I heard was straight out of my nightmares. His baby screams of panic were horrific and nauseating.

Quickly, I grabbed him up screaming for my husband to get a wet washcloth! I rubbed it on him desperately trying to remove the scalding oil off of his fragile belly. He screamed even harder. It wasn’t working! I couldn’t get it off!!

As we started to panic, I ran him to the bathtub to wash with soap and water, the only thing I knew to do at the time. Now knowing that this the WORST thing I could have ever done.

Y’all, Jesus stepped in. Before I got him to the bathroom which was next door to his room, he stopped crying. There is absolutely no reason this should have happened. There is no scientific explanation for it. I did EVERYTHING WRONG!

He Sees You

God healed him with his mercy and grace. God knew He saw the pain. He knew my heart and came to our rescue. That should have continued to burn even worse in the bathtub for at least 20 minutes, if not longer. Instead, my sweet boy played while my husband and I tried to figure out what went wrong. And by that, I mean we screamed at each other because we were still scared and full of adrenaline.

Jesus knows! He sees you! He knows that sometimes we need to fail to learn. God knows that if He rescued us from every single struggle, we would think of Him as our magic wand instead of a loving father.

Have you ever watched your child from afar and saw something coming but didn’t intervene for them to learn a lesson? Like they are running AGAIN after you have told them 100 times to stop, or they will get hurt! And what happens? BAM! A wall. I think God sees us the same. He lets us stumble sometimes. But He also promises in Deuteronomy 31:6 that “He will never leave us or forsake us!”

Where Was GOD When I Needed Him Most?

He doesn’t promise bad things will never happen to us. Psalms 91 says they won’t prevail, though. “No weapon formed against me shall prosper.”

I know that God DID come through for me. He died for me so I can live all of eternity in perfect peace and love. Now, I get to spend all of eternity in Heaven. Our life here on Earth is such a small pinprick in time. If I go through temporary pain on Earth during this tiny snip of all of eternity, it’s ok. Eternity is what matters most to me. Eternity is a long time!

Even Jesus going to the cross, asked God His Father, “Is there another way? If not, let Your will be done” (Matthew 26:39). He didn’t want to be in pain! None of us do.

Just like my story of postpartum or thieves, the enemy meant for both of those to destroy me! Destroy my marriage. Destroy my family. God turned them around for good! Now I never question if God is real or if He sees me. Genesis 50:20 “But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God turned it for good.

Why Won’t God Heal Me?

In summary, I trust His plan for my life. I’ve done it my way. He saved my life numerous times. And another on that motorcycle back in 2011. That thing would have killed me eventually, leaving my son without a mom, my husband without a wife, and my mom without a daughter. Your life matters dearly. Someone needs to hear that! Please hear me when I say there is love for you.

Just because I did something stupid doesn’t mean He owes me perfect healing! Romans 11:35 “Who has given to God that God should repay him?” He saved my life! I’m good with it!! It’s by His grace and mercy I am so well provided for. The protection alone is invaluable.

Trust me when I say I have begged and screamed over the past 9 years in pain, “Why won’t God heal me??? Am I not Christian enough?!” But in the perspective of all of eternity, I don’t care about my foot being amputated. It won’t matter.

I claim to heal in Jesus’s name. I also claim His will be done in my life. If I had to choose between His perfect will for my life and healing my foot to avoid amputation, I choose His will! I fully trust Him! He has proven Himself to be faithful and good.

His promise is for me is to have a long and satisfying life (Psalm 91:16). If He thinks I don’t need a foot to live the life He has called me to live, then so be it! I trust him fully! He promised it, and “His word will not return void”(Isaiah 55:11). If I make the wrong decision with amputation, He can literally regrow it from a stump too!

Here is my amputation journey on YouTube

Scriptures To Stand ON

Finally, If anyone struggles with postpartum or wants to know God, please leave me a comment or send me a private message! Feel free to share my story to encourage others.

Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.

John 10:10 The thief comes to steal kill and destroy but I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord plans for welfare and not for evil to give you a future and a hope.

Psalm 16:11 You make known to me the path of life. In your presence there is fullness of joy.

Matthew 11:28 Come to Me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light

Isaiah 14: 7 Let no man stop what God has set into motion.

Ephesians 3:20 He is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us.

Psalms 91 Read ALL of it!