As stay at home moms, we always sacrifice something don’t we?! Here is my latest funny SAHM story!
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Today, I decided to sleep in this morning, knowing there would be a sacrifice somewhere later but not fully understanding what it would be yet.
Normally, I get up after the baby’s 6 am feeding after he has fallen back asleep for a bit. Then, take a shower while he sleeps, use the restroom, brush my teeth, get dressed, and pump the remaining milk.
Did I do that today? No. What I did today was stupid. I fell back asleep with the baby and woke up at 9!! It felt great!
When I woke, I noticed my oldest (8yr old) at the edge of the bed waiting patiently for us to get up. I praised him for letting me sleep! What a sweet thing to do.
He then informed me about an invention he had made in his patience. Reluctantly, I asked him to wait once again while I fed his now crying brother. He agreed, but I could see on his face that he wasn’t pleased about waiting longer.
“Mom Of The Year” Award Winner
I fed the baby and went straight to my son’s room to see this new invention. He meets me at the door and yells, “WAIT! I’m not ready yet”. OK, that’s good because my butt is about to explode now that I’m 4 hours past my body’s normal schedule!
I go to put the baby down in this bouncer, knowing I’m contributing to his flat head, but at this moment, I need it! As soon as I set him down, I hear, “OK, mom! Come in!” Great. The moment I walk in, it’s a 17-point presentation.
First, the thought process behind the creation. Then he continues through the miscalculations and on to the execution of this ingenious busted balloon tied to the bed, making a pulley system. I’m standing there about to lose my mind trying to act like he just built the pyramids.
I hear the baby getting fussy in the other room (never mind his head getting flatter by the second) and the chances of me pooping my pants at this point are increasing with every long-winded explanation. Mind you, I still have to pump before I gush milk all over myself.
FINALLY, he finishes his demonstration. I race past the fussing baby to the bathroom. When I come out, my oldest is playing with his brother to keep him calm for me.
How did I get so lucky? I patted myself on the back for making it halfway through my morning, knowing that as soon as he stops pushing the baby around the living room in his bouncer, it’s going to get REAL. You know what I mean by “it.” My sacrifices… the snowball of not being able to catch back up.
Totally taking advantage of my son’s generosity, I brushed my teeth—bad idea. As soon as I started, I saw my oldest out of the corner of my eye in my bathroom staring at me.
Then I hear it. The baby screaming. I roll my eyes and keep brushing, ignoring my son’s disapproving look of my morning’s parental choices.
Finally, I go to rescue the baby from his flat head chair to start our 2 hours of fighting sleep training while my oldest rots his brain on video games. How can I tell him no when I’m tied up for several hours, and he’s already been so patient with me?!
I sit for the rest of the day in my room, trying every ancient and modern this or that to get the baby to sleep. None of them are working, of course.
Help has arrived?
Finally, my husband comes home to all of my glittered, chaotic glory. Baby crying, 2xl wearin t-shirt, no shower, no bra, oldest on the computer, no dinner, the tornado house kind of glory. He says to me, “Why don’t we find him some educational games to play if he’s going to be on the computer all day?”.
3 things babe:
First of all, I know what you mean by “WE”.
Second, I’m not allowed to touch your computer remember?!
Third, I still have to shower so would you like me to bump that to the top of the list or the “after I shower” list?
FINALLY, the baby falls asleep out of exhaustion, and I get far enough away from him to shower. I find a quick bite to eat, knowing I may only have a few minutes left before he wakes up.
When I’m finished, he is still asleep!! I’ve been working towards this moment for 3 months! I can’t believe it! Today is the day! He is going to take a REAL nap!! Past 30 minutes!!!
I have to choose very carefully what I do next. I had no idea I would get this far, and I wasn’t prepared! Boldly, I decide. I bypass the “make dinner” idea because I’m going OUTSIDE!!
I’m going to check the mail y’all! Quietly, I tell my husband, “if the baby fusses, do not pick him up! Wait to see if he will go back to sleep.” After all, we were “sleep training,” but I’m not sure who is training whom here…
I’m gone, MAYBE 4 minutes of pure sunshine and fresh air bliss. (I can still remember the way it felt on my skin) I come back inside to my husband bouncing a screaming baby. He hands him to me and says, “I think he’s hungry.”
I about lost my salvation.
That kid has been sucking on me for the past 3 MONTHS! I can assure you he’s not.
But did I say any of that? No. I stayed silent, which we all know is worse to a husband trying to help. He gets mad and decides he’s just going to leave since he can’t do anything right. Yeah, because that’s what will help most right now, to leave me here to clean up the mess.
As he left, I watched the deadbolt lock in slow motion. I know he meant well, to keep us safe. But I couldn’t help but feel like he was my warden locking me into my cell. A warden who gets to go home on the “outside” to his nice clean family and mow his yard in the sunshine while the prisoners stay on the “inside” locked up with the mess.
Yes, I have my own car and car seat. Yes, I have my own bank card. But none of those will help my sleep training efforts. I’m trying to gain long-term sanity, but it keeps running off.
When he comes back, he hands me a chocolate ice cream, patting himself on the back for “helping.” I HATE chocolate ice cream. At this point, I don’t know who I should feel sorry for first, him or me.
I don’t know how it happened, but later that night, I had both kids in bed and still had the energy to watch ONE 30 minute show! I was so excited! This never happens! My husband tells me, “I’m exhausted. I’m going to take a shower and go to bed”.
When he gets out of the shower, he glares at me from the doorway. Uh… ok? He comes out of the bedroom mad, walks right past me to the dryer, drags the sheet behind him, and starts throwing blankets and pillows on the floor to make the bed. (Mind you, the baby is asleep in the same room)
I’m pretending it’s a nice gesture for him to make the bed for us. Guys, when I go to bed, my pillowcase is lying on my side of the bed with my naked pillow lying on the floor!
Then it hits me. He doesn’t read my blogs! He has no idea what life is like at home and what it took even to get that bed stripped, the sheets in the washer, AND THE DRYER! Go easy on them, ladies. They aren’t warriors like us.
Now go slay your day!! Do you have a funny SAHM story? Leave me a comment! I would love to laugh with you!