Last night I laid in bed crying silently because I regret having another baby.
This was my second child and so many changes came along with this one. First of all, he was a surprise. Yes, we had joked around with the idea of having another baby and maybe we weren’t as careful as we should have been for 3 days and that’s all it took.
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Life WAS Great
I WAS a fully booked hair stylist and salon owner making over 6 figures per year.
I WAS a completely independent mom of one perfect child!
My oldest son is gifted and has an IQ higher than 95% of the world and is an adult himself. He’s only 8 and knows more than I do. Additionally, he has the most tender, loving heart of anyone I’ve ever met.
My son WENT to private school.
I got off work every day at 2:30 to pick him up. We went to all the birthday parties and had the weekends free to do festivals and RV camping vacations! We had fun cars to drive and lived on one acre because we could!
Our homestead wasn’t complete without our dogs, chickens, ducks and a rabbit. My husband and I were like two silly teenagers doing whatever we wanted with our perfect kid and our white picket fence life. It was great!! (Or so I remember it being now looking back)
Then along came the new kid
As I write this, he is only 3 months old. He has been more of a chore than a human. Its hard to see a human through the chaos.
Initially, He would do nothing but scream if he was awake. You could see his belly rumble under his clothes from the gas. I cut out everything the internet told me to. We tried every essential oil, gas water, diet elimination and ancient home remedy there was.
Every day was a new experiment. All the while I’m pumping as much milk as I can just to get the hell out of there and go back to work.
That day finally came and I had to cancel all of my clients I was so desperate to see along with cancelling the babysitter.
I felt like I canceled my life. If I feel like I can’t stand him as his own mother, I know someone else will leave him to cry alone in pain or worse, hurt him.
But, I also felt complete resentment towards him at the same time. I was trapped. I would just sit there and cry right along with him while the sun passed over the sky day in and day out.
It wasn’t postpartum depression because I have already had that with my first son. This was regret. Regret for having a baby.
Each week I had hope of returning to work but it became more and more evident that it was never going to happen. These clients were my best friends and as good as family members to me. I’ve seen their kids grow up, we have been through marriages, divorces, tragedies and victories. I’ve cried with them and celebrated with them. Now, I would never see them again. All because of him.
It Get’s Worse
To make it worse, now we were moving. My husband’s job offered him an opportunity in another state a few weeks later. In order to be able to go, we needed to sell our house. Then, our RV. And our quads. Also, our golf cart. Then re-home our animals.
So, while this baby is screaming at me all day I’m supposed to be packing, answering heart wrenching messages from clients about my shocking news and arranging pickups from all of the stuff I don’t want to sell but now have to.
Thinking about everything I have to give up, all the memories and fun are quickly fading into the past.
Fast forward to today. As I lay there crying in bed last night feeling sorry for myself, with my husband now hating my guts because I’m “So negative all the time”, my oldest resenting the baby for taking up all of my time, God spoke to my heart. He asked me to name the things I was thankful for.
There were so many things to be thankful for that I lost track!
My kids are healthy!
My family is whole!
We have food and shelter everyday without worry.
He has provided for us through my loss of income.
He gently reminded me of the chapters in life. As the pages turn, new adventures await. Some are climax chapters while others are calm but all of them are important completing the book we don’t yet fully understand. Why judge it so early?
When I looked at my baby this morning as I fed him, I saw him with new eyes. I saw his innocence. I saw him as a person.
He was so thankful for me! I am his comfort and shelter. He has ZERO ill will towards me. He is scared just like I am.
I saw in his eyes for the first time. It was like he could see me too. Like he wants me to love him how he loves me. He smiled at me and it broke me! I started crying and all I could do was smile and whisper softly, “hi”.
I’ve Been So Selfish!
I had it all wrong! Children are a blessing. This child is a loving husband, father, friend, man of God, and blessing. I just have to get him there. I never thought I would ever regret having a baby. Human emotions can take over quickly if we aren’t careful to reflect on our own needs not being met.
I recommend having a buddy. Have a friend to talk to openly. Email me if you find yourself searching for someone to trust. Buy yourself this My Self-Love Journal to keep track of your wellbeing.
My Self-Love Journal is designed to be an interactive self-help experience for all women to discover, empower and grow into who they want to be as a mom, wife, friend, and human. Self-reflection directly affects self-esteem both positively and negatively. Learn to love yourself through self-improvement and self-care!
“Children are a blessing and a gift from the lord” Psalm 127:3
“You will want these days back”
“Cherish them while they are small”
“It’s gone in a flash”
Sound familiar? What about the beloved mothers who lose their babies too early? Or the ones who never get to feel the love of the child they so desperately want?
These are horrible tragedies. They should never happen to anyone! I don’t know how mothers keep their sanity after a loss of such magnitude.
Dear one, it does not minimize your load because someone else has had it so much worse.
It does not make your struggle less hard because you have a sweet baby to love and someone else doesn’t. Additionally, it’s okay to feel burdened and overwhelmed because this is new and very hard! And temporary.
First, forgive yourself for the thoughts. (these thoughts need attention)
Second, forgive yourself for not seeing them.
Also, forgive yourself for not being the perfect Pinterest mom who gets the baby to sleep through the night before they leave the hospital.
Then, forgive yourself for having feelings of regret for having a baby
Lastly, forgive yourself for not slowing down and making them a priority.
When you know better, do better.
Have you had feelings of regret after having another baby? Leave me a comment. I would love to uplift you and support you!
Related Reading You Might Need:
A Life Of Torture; Disturbing Thoughts Towards Your Child