Are you disturbed by the horrific thoughts towards your child? Have you searched the entire internet for help (like I did) to no avail?
***WARNING***
THIS POST IS DESIGNED TO HELP FIND THE TORTURED, HELPLESS MOTHER. IT IS NOT A FEEL-GOOD POST. IT IS RAW AND DISTURBING OF BAD THOUGHTS TOWARDS YOUR CHILD. IF THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU INTEND TO READ, PLEASE CLOSE NOW.
Here Is My Story
When my first son was born, I did not bond with him right away.
For the first 48 hours, I never had a chance to hold him. He was either being held by friends or family, getting procedures done, in the nursery or crying in our room. I had no idea how to breastfeed and didn’t know enough to ask for privacy to get to know my new son.
Also, we had a number of tragic things happen within the first week including job loss, moving and trauma. During moving day, I wrecked my motorcycle and broke my foot. Here is my story.
As a result, I get to lay in a hospital bed and await foot surgery while my husband moves us across town. He leaves the baby with me in the hospital because now, I have pain meds and nothing to do.
There I am, staring at the one I created laying peacefully on my lap and resenting him at the same time. After all, it was HIS fault I missed a summer riding my motorcycle and HIS fault I wrecked it. He has become less of a human and more of a chore over this past week of hell perpetuating the disassociation.
No Time For Healing
Within 2 weeks of surgery, against the doctor’s orders, I’m back at work as a hair stylist on a surgical boot (not even a cast yet) because my husband was laid off and we have no money.
Mind you, this has all happened in one month! My son is less than 4 weeks old at this point. My body isn’t even healed from child birth yet. Talk about stress!
My husband is at home looking after the baby while applying for jobs and government assistance because my breastmilk is long gone at this point so now, we have the added cost of formula.
It doesn’t take but a few more weeks when my beloved dog, the only thing I’ve ever loved, gets hit by a car. We don’t have enough money to eat, let alone save a dying dog. My husband takes her to the local pound and says he hit a random dog… MY beloved. He left her there alone to be euthanized for free. She didn’t deserve that! She needed me and I wasn’t there. I was with that baby.
Through these, and many more tragedies, my brain began to warp into something I didn’t recognize. I started noticing resentment and loathing towards my new son. I went through the motions of motherhood just fine but there was no love there.
He was a chore and it was his fault I’ve now lost everything I’ve ever loved. My whole life, gone!
The Intrusive Thoughts Towards My Child Start
The bad thoughts started slowly. Like dropping him accidentally and seeing him cry or with a broken bone. Then, they started getting worse.
Next, when I would unload the dishwasher, I would see myself stabbing him in the head with a knife. I would feel his skull crush and the sticky blood on my hands. Obviously disturbed by this, I stopped doing the dishes.
Then suddenly, when I would drive, every overpass was a missed opportunity to crash into it or drive off of an embankment into the river below.
When I saw a brick wall, (in my head) I grabbed my infant son’s feet and swung him as hard as I could, slamming his head into the brick wall.
Disgustingly, if I came across a spoon, my brain immediately started digging his eyes out with it.
Why Am I Having Such Horrific Thoughts?
Why is this happening? What kind of mother would have these horrifically bad thoughts toward their child?? I can’t tell anyone, they will take him away from me! I’ll go to a psychiatric hospital, leaving them without money or food!
Things went from bad to worse. By the time he was only a few months old, the thoughts were now happening the majority of the day. I thought I was being poisoned so I stopped eating chemicals and went organic. This helped some but not enough to feel better.
Desperate for answers, I searched the internet. Hours and hours I spent sifting through endless posts on mental health. The symptoms never quite fit though.
Declining, I started leaving work early to pick him up from daycare. If I stayed with him, the things I saw happening to him in my head wouldn’t be able to happen to him
Or, I would not drop him off at all, cancel my day at the salon and go home to hide. Every van in public was a molester, every object a weapon and every moment was a trigger. How can I hide from them all?
I Become Obsessive Over My Child’s Protection
People started to notice. My family asked to see him because I stopped going places (avoiding the triggers). If I could have dug a hole and lived in it with him, I would have. I was obsessed with his safety in order to keep him from the things I saw in my head.
Fearfully, I begged God to protect him. His answer to me was instant and clear “How can I protect him if you won’t give him to me?” The thought of giving up control was ludicrous! I was the only one keeping him safe! After all, I was the only one trying! How dare Him ask me to do such a thing!
The enemy was right there to back up those thoughts too, “If God was real, He would heal you. But, since He’s not healing you, He’s obviously is not real and cannot protect your son. You better keep all control on that kid because the one moment you don’t, he will be gone. He will be tortured just like what you see in your head.”
I Tighten My Grip On My Out Of Control World.
Consequently, I was a functioning ball of lightning firing at all times with no relief.
I started asking people questions “Do you ever have crazy thoughts?” With a little giggle so as not to sound nuts.
Praying someone would see me or help me understand what was going on. Although, I was never specific. Hindsight, I should have just said “Do you ever have bad thoughts towards your child?” easier said than done when you are trembling.
Fast forward this life of horror by 4 years. Day in and day out, the torture ever increasing. I’m standing in my kitchen and see a hammer my husband had left out on the counter.
I already know what’s going to happen but this time it’s different. It’s not just bad thoughts this time. It is so much worse. My eyes go black! I’m beating my 4 year old’s brains out with this hammer in my head.
Desperately, I’m trying to come out of it. I start clapping my hands wildly in front of my face to make sure I’m not doing what I’m seeing in my head.
I’m screaming trying to restore sight through my eyes. I’m pleading with God to keep my son outside so he doesn’t see me like this!
Or worse, so my out of control body doesn’t snatch him as he walks past me before I can come out of this mania. This is the day I know I must get help because bad thoughts are now happening at all times of the day and beyond my control.
I am a miserable out of control human being trying to function as normal one.
Finally, Some Help
God did see me. At the salon, He sent me a beautiful, brave soul. She cried to her stylist (my best friend) about the thoughts in her head towards her newborn baby.
I was shocked! There was another one like me! I’ve researched for 4 years and have found NOTHING like me! I was glad and horrified all in the same moment. This poor girl!!
She came back into the salon 3 weeks later and was fixed! Wait… WHAT?!!!
After telling her my secret, she told me she went to her doctor and was on medication for Postpartum Depression. Additionally, she told me the name of her doctor and promised me that they would not turn me into child welfare services.
Long story short, I tried the medication. They worked and for one summer I was normal! I had no idea just how sick I was until I wasn’t sick anymore.
What Is Postpartum Depression?
How do you know if you have Postpartum Depression? I had never even considered it. Yet, I was at war with my brain. This horrific depression can manifest itself in many different ways.
Mine, through bad thoughts of brutally killing my child. For others I’ve spoken to, it is unwelcome, grotesque thoughts of sexual molestation toward their baby or child. Still others have severe, uncontrollable anger.
Before I go further it is vital you understand the difference between Postpartum Depression and Postpartum Psychosis.
Postpartum Depression:
Symptoms can be anything from horrible thoughts toward your child including but not limited to extreme anger, sadness, feeling possessive, feeling out of control or overwhelmed, not eating, social withdrawal, bad thoughts towards your child and more. These can be major or minor but the person generally knows something is wrong and tries to either fix it or avoid the triggers.
Postpartum Psychosis:
This is different. Postpartum Psychosis does not turn into Postpartum Depression. They are two totally separate illnesses. Postpartum Psychosis is a medical emergency and needs to be treated as such.
Symptoms include but are not limited to: believing the voices in their head, delusions, hallucinations, mania (loss of touch with reality), severe confusion, feeling paranoid or suspicious, feelings of things on tv or radio have a personal meaning, feeling that the baby is connected to God or the devil in some way and more.
Watch For Signs Of Psychosis
If you feel you or a loved one has this illness, don’t wait to get them help. Postpartum Psychosis is a serious illness and one that is responsible for mothers killing their children.
If anyone, man or woman, mentions bad thoughts towards their child, pay attention! Continue to ask nonjudgmental questions with the intent to help. The hardest thing for a mother to do is admit we have horrific thoughts toward our child or “hear voices”.
Doctors have an incredibly hard time finding these suffering mamas because they are so scare to ask for help. It took me 4 years, to the point of blacking out, before I got help.
Long Term Help
The medication was not intended for long term use. As I came off of them, the thoughts came flooding back again!
I was devastated. Finally, I reached out to a holistic essential oil friend. Now that I had a diagnosis, maybe I could find a holistic long-term option.
She told me it was a form of anxiety. Once we started digging, the answer shocked me! Frankincense and Myrrh. As in what they gave baby Jesus (or Mary) in the Bible! This blew my mind!! Did these specific gifts have a deeper meaning than just gifts?
Look at these descriptions:
Frankincense: “Considered the ‘holy anointing oil’ in the Middle East and has been used in religious ceremonies for thousands of years. ‘Used to treat every conceivable ill known to man,’ Frankincense was valued more than gold during ancient times, and only those with great wealth and abundance possessed it. It is mentioned in one of the oldest known medical records, Ebers Papyrus (dating from 16th century BC), an ancient Egyptian list of 877 prescriptions and recipes.” * Essential Oils Desk Reference
Myrrh: “Nurtures the soul’s relationship with its maternal mother and with the earth. This oil supports individuals who have had disturbances with the mother-child bond. Whether it is a division between the child and the biological mother or whether it be mother earth herself, Myrrh can help bridge the gap and heal the disturbances. This division or lack of attachment may be related to adoption, birth trauma, malnourishment, experiences of abandonment, or other childhood issues. Myrrh helps the soul to feel the love and nurturing presence of ‘Mother.’ Similar to the nutrient rich colostrum found in a mother’s milk, Myrrh oil inoculates individuals from the adverse and harmful effects of the world. Like the warmth of a mother’s love for her child, Myrrh assists individuals in feeling safe and secure.
At Last, Relief
I used Frankincense and Myrrh every moment of every day. I carried them around and inhaled them as I went about my day.
However, their effects only lasted a few moments before the horrific thoughts came back. Then slowly, I was able to go 5 minutes and eventually 30 minutes. This was progress!
I used them a few times a day, working my way to a few times a week. Still to this day, I always have Frankincense near me.
Important side note: I only use Young Living Essential Oils because they are grown in real farms in native regions that you can visit without an appointment. Additionally, they are ethically sourced and have a Seed to Seal promise of meeting extremely high expectations before being released to the public.
*IMPORTANT UPDATE*
Since this post, I have had another baby and I have had similar issues. But, adding magnesium to my starving system has made an incredible improvement!! Looking back on new research, I feel I was incredibly deficient in magnesium when my oldest was born. I have an entire YouTube video about this stuff.
It’s used by every cell in your body and you won’t believe the symptoms! It has even stopped my sleep walking!! You can buy MegaCal here.
In conclusion, If you would like to chat about postpartum depression, bad thoughts towards child or Young Living Essential Oils, feel free to contact me.
Let’s help reach each other! If we talk about the raw stuff, it loses its power of solitude.